Celebrating Supernatural -
23 Day Countdown Challenge
Day 23 - Episode 1
Theme: Dean Winchester's Journal
I’ve made a lot of stupid decisions in my life. I’ve spent
years my entire life doing what I had to, or at least making the choices that I thought were the right ones. It always comes down to who needs saving. If I’m being honest, it just comes down to saving Sam.
I let an angel inside my little brother. I lied, and I’m gonna have to keep lying. “Betrayal” would probably be the more appropriate word for it. But I don’t regret it because I saved his life. He was dying and…it was the right thing to do. It’s not in me to feel bad about what I did because Sam is still walking and talking and that’s what’s important. And I…I fucking hate myself for it. I hate that I can’t regret the choice I made, that I took that choice away from Sam. It was wrong, and I have to live with that. I choose to live with that, because I can’t live with the alternative. I’m okay with hating myself, for failing my little brother
again, and I’ll be okay when Sam finds out because he always does. At least he’ll be alive to hate me, too.
Thing is, I sat next to that hospital bed watching Sammy die. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. There was just all this screaming in my head, all this noise, and all that made sense from it was, “Help me.” Just over and over, and I was just…alone. Sam was dying, Cas could have been dead for all I knew, and knowing that made all the noise even louder. It was too much. The room could have been dead silent to anyone else, but inside all those souls were just trying to claw their way out of me. I was alone. And they found me. And I just couldn’t take the screaming and I needed help. And there was Ezekiel. And then it was quiet.
Something changed today. This time, fighting fate and bringing people back from the dead - I think something finally broke. Maybe it was the Universe finally having enough of our crap. Maybe it was my relationship with my brother. Hell, maybe it was just me. But everything is different. And Sam is sitting beside me and Cas is alive, and he’s out there somewhere. And I’m still alone. Everything inside keeps getting a little louder by the minute.
All I know is that I opened a door, and God knows what I let in. I don’t know where this road is headed and I don’t know where I’m gonna end up. I don’t know if we’re even getting out of this one alive.
All I have now are these pages and this pen to drown out the noise. So that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m not good at it, I’m no poet, but..I have to put it somewhere because there’s no room for any of this in me anymore. Who knows, maybe Sammy will find this thing one day. Maybe he’ll be able to understand.
So I’m gonna tell you my story. I’ll tell you everything.